There is a faint smell of billowing the cigarette smoke in the air, yet I remember how much she hated that I did. There is a gnawing inside with tough, toothless gums of regret of what I shouldn’t have done. In the scrambling, scrolling, of my screen I see the depth and purity of her smile. I can’t remember the the feeling of kissing her soft, savory, lips or the cozy, complete, comfort of holding her hand. I can’t remember the sound of her voice, but inside I still Listen as if I do.
What is the most painful is that I can remember the feeling of everything I put up my nose. Under my tongue. Into my lungs. How written into the wall is this figment of ‘furiating fate? How broken is my wholesome heart? How messed up is this mirrorful, masterful, mind?
I won’t give up ’tis eve of my beginning. I will not leap to the grave and grey ground from these plush and pillowy clouds. But will I reminisce in the comforts of incomplete closure? Will I dance in the daunting confusion of what coulda, shoulda been?
Could I’ve been? Should I’ve been? Before the thought of what would’ve been? So I may spoil in the folds of her blessed skin? Should I whisper, should I shout, should I keep it in? Is there any hope we could begin again? I be her friend again? I still hold all of her love, so I should let it in. The pain can melt away so I can win again. Oh my Love, My soulmate, my spirit twin. These memories are all so powerful, but are drawing thin.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for the lies. The morbid, marbling of her patience, the cold, crystallization of her cries. I wish I told her in that car I slept that night, That I froze, That I died. But it was the heat of her love the fought me alive.
There is no way, if i told her That she’d believe, So I don’t know what I expect myself to ever receive. Only the comfort of what I do perceive will destroy with might what doubt deceives.
For Christmases, again and again I wished for miracles and got coal
It feels like yesterday, but after 3 years the time just flies.
I’d give the world to again feel the warmth of her soul.
I’d save the world to again see the life of Her Eyes.